You can't special order awesome
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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