Betty ford says i'm here all night
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
