i think i scared a bird with my dick
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
