I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
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