The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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