i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
