the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
There's always time for handjobs
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
