I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
