she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
