We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
