I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
sex in a hospital.. check
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
