There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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