Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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