I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
