I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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