Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
