Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
