to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize