On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
