I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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