Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
