Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
