So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
