Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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