Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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