Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You are a genius and a whore.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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