I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
