"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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