Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize