The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Randomize
