allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
