Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize
