so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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