I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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