plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Randomize