Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
