I need to stop coming to work sober
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
