Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
