Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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