someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
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