I CAN MOONWALK!
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
