i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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