She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
