well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
