Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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