I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
