You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
