I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Randomize