So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
