The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
