Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
