I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
