Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
