Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize