my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
