i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
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