I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I cannot find my penis.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
