You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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