You just made me feel so damn special
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
