I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
