i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
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