after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
you win again, gameday.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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