I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
