I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
The cops high fived after they tackled you
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
