My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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