apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
