Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
